Title Change/Walking in the Spirit/Busyness

So I have been wanting to change the tile for some time - but really been trying to figure out what I would like that to be. I've really been thinking about what the Lord's theme is for my life right now. Desperate kind of describes it.

I have been thinking about things in my life like changing diapers, and playing dolls, holding babies, and trying to figure out how to keep the house clean during all that, as well as how to love Clay in the best way, serve Christ, and how to balance my family's happenings and Clay's family's happenings, with social obligations, and to be prayerful, and intentional towards others as well as intentional to raise godly children . . . plus getting dinner, laundry, grocery shopping.....

I have wanted a way to balance. And over and over as I have thought "I just wish I knew how to balance it all," I have felt the Lord saying, "My Word does not tell you to 'balance.' My Word tells you to surrender all for the sake of Christ, to seek first My kingdom and My righteousness, to abandon all, to walk in My Spirit."

And so the more I've thought about this the more I realize that I am royally going to screw it up. No matter what it is - I in my flesh will screw it up.

See I have come to terms with the fact that only the Lord knows what I need to be doing at any given moment. I am endlessly in a state of "What should I do now? Do I play with the kid who is at my feet beckoning me to play a game? Or what about the child who wants me to read their book? Oh but the baby is crying - do I go pick him up? And we have to have food . . . I need to be cooking dinner, oh and the clothes in the dryer just finished, and I have ten thank you notes that I am in the middle of writing, and I feel like God placed so&so on my heart and He wants me to call them, and I feel like He is whispering to me, "Kneel down pray. "

Here is the thing. There are times that the child needs to be picked up/read to/played with because if I don't at that moment, I am crushing their spirit. But there are times that they need to play by themselves or help me with the work because if I give in to all their requests I am over indulging them and making them even more self-centered.

There are times that I really need to call that friend - immediately because they really need words of encouragement at that moment.

There are times that I need to be on my face before the Lord - even if there are kids running around me, screaming and demanding my attention because I need to obey my Father and He may have me praying for someone who is in danger.

And there are times that the one thing I need to be doing is folding clothes or cooking dinner.

But I don't understand how all those times play out - in of myself.

I have to surrender myself to the Lord.

And therefore, I am realizing more and more that I am desperate. I am desperate for the Lord to direct each step.

I am desperate to be walking in the Spirit.

I was telling Clay last night that in the last few weeks, I have really felt as if the Lord is speaking to me, prompting me to pray, weeding out sin, circumcising my heart. I have been praying for Him to open up my eyes and heart - and in my flesh I don't necessarily like it.

It also scares me - because there are so many times that I don't stop and listen to the Lord - but just go on being busy. It happened the other day. The kids were asleep and I said to myself "Lord I know You want me to stop and pray - but God there are five baskets of clothes that I need to fold." And He responded in my heart, "I know you have clothes to fold. But I am calling you to pray. You can pray and let Me deal with sin in your heart or you can choose to disobey - but you might not hear from Me for a long time like you have been hearing from Me if you choose to disobey." Oh that was warning enough - for I don't want my heart to be hardened again.

Just today I was praying and crying to the Lord about a relationship that I have in which wires have been crossed, feelings have been hurt, and sins have been committed & forgiven. And as I was praying and crying to the Lord, "God I know that they were hurt. I am so sorry for that - but I too felt rejected by them being to busy to make time for our friendship." And the Lord gently whispered to me, "I know. I know how you feel. For I feel the same about you. I have asked you to stop and pray & fellowship and you say, 'but God I am too busy. But God I have clothes to wash, mouths to feed, places to go, I am so tired, I need sleep. ' "I have asked you to come to Me for help and you have said, 'but God I have Bible study, but God the baby is crying, but God...I am so busy." I know rejection, for you reject me now though I already paid the price on the cross and was rejected then. I know my child."

My SAM student(wise beyond her years) has said to me several times as we've meet to discuss things of the Lord that she God is teaching her that He gives us relationships on this earth for the purpose of understanding Him and how we are to relate to Him.
He gives us mothers so that we understand the He nurtures.
He gives us fathers so that we can understand He is our Father.
He gives us husbands (and those in authority) so we can learn to submit to Him.
He gives us friends so that we can learn to relate to Him as Friend.
And I am convinced He gives us kids to show us how unholy we are, how much sanctifying we need, and how His heart grieves over our sins, and to give us a picture of the deepness of the love He has for us.

So, with all this rambling I am trying to share that I am trying to keep remembering that I am desperate for the Lord because if I try and do anything in my flesh - I will make an utter mess.

How Blessed We Are

We would like to invite you to praise the goodness of our God with us. He has had us on a journey of growing our faith and molding us over these last few years (and He has all of His children and we are still being perfected). Clay and I got married with two years left of college (we’ve been married almost 6 years). We had plans of finishing school and both of us working for about 5 years before starting a family and we figured that we would have 3 or 4 children. We also both knew that we would like to do missions if God called us to that. We came out of college with significant debt (almost all of Clay’s college and my last two years) and credit card debt. We were not very wise in some of the choices we made – but we figured that with both of us working we would have it paid off in a short time after we got out of school.

We did not plan on God convicting us about our use of birth control just a few months after getting married. We both just felt like God was telling us that if we really trusted in Him and believed Him to be in control of all things that we would trust Him to give us a child in His perfect timing and that He would provide for all of our needs. We were preparing to graduate, I found a job, and Clay was preparing to go ahead an get his Master’s when we found out we were pregnant with our first child – just two days after walking across the stage to get our diplomas.

So we were a two-income family for only about 6 months out of our whole marriage. Needless to say we did not really pay off much of that enormous debt that we had incurred. Instead, we just got by and when something out of the ordinary would happen – the expense would go on credit cards.

A few months before we had Gabriella we were to the point of barely able to pay all of our bills. We were trying to eat rice and beans and meals prepared from chicken legs for most of our meals. We kept trying to remind ourselves that we were still eating better than most of the people in the world. We would do well for a little bit living inside our means and then we would just break down and go get something.

So we got further and further in debt. The summer after I had Gabriella I was in a Bible study and the Lord really used that to convict me of the sin of our debt. I felt like the Lord was saying that if we were going to trust Him to take care of us and provide that we had to pray more and take our hands off of the circumstances and let Him be the provider. That’s when we tried to stop using the credit cards at all. Clay switched jobs to bring home more money and then we cut up our credit cards. It is neat to look back and see how much God has provided for us.

There are so many instances of us looking at our budget and deciding that there was no way we could afford certain things. Then we would pray and God would provide. When Clay took this job we were a single car family but his job took him farther away from home with less flexibility to go in late and work around appointments and such. So we were concerned about the car issue. A little after Clay decided he was going to take the job we were given a car (an 84 Subaru that sounded like a motorcycle – but it got him back and forth to work.) We were ecstatic. Three months later we were given Nissan Sentra that is much more reliable.

Another instance was God’s provision of a mattress. We knew that it would be years before we could save to buy one. When I was pregnant with Jeremiah I would wake up with a backache so bad that I was having trouble walking – so we prayed and told God that we would really like a new one, but that we were thankful that at least we had a mattress. We were then given a mattress in much better condition when Clay’s parents decided to buy them a new mattress.

There would be times were I would wonder how in the world we were going to clothe Micah for the next season. I would worry and scheme and then I would tell the Lord that I did not know how I was going to clothe her. Then I would get a package in the mail full of clothes or I would get trash bags full of clothes that one of my friend’s from high school’s daughter had outgrown.
I had decided that I wanted to use cloth diapers for the third baby. We had budgeted so that we could afford to buy them. But then we had a lot of sickness with the girls and therefore a lot of doctors’ visits and a hospital stay. As a result of all the unplanned medical expenses, we did not have the money set aside for diapers. Again we talked with God about this and told Him of our desire for this. We were given 270 dollars about 6 weeks before we had Jeremiah. I was able to use that money for the cloth diapers and accessories that we had wanted to buy.

We were also was given a crib that turned into a toddler bed along with a cute bed set for a nursery. I had always wanted to buy a cute little nursery set but never felt like I had the money. I was quite excited to finally get one.

Another instance was that our pots and pans were in desperate need of replacing. We knew our financial situation would not allow for us to purchase them for many months or years. Clay and I prayed about the need for new ones and the resources to get them. I knew Clay was going to try and find away to come up with the money to bless me with new pots and pans for Christmas. But much to our surprise – the Lord had a different plan of providing those. One day Clay came home and brought me a very nice set of pots and pans and said that someone had asked him what he wanted to get me for Christmas. Then they bought pots and pans for me.

There were times when I was concerned about our food situation. One time a friend that was moving brought us everything that was left in their freezer and fridge. Another time there was a box of food brought to us. Not to mention all the meals that were provided for us after the birth of babies and after we got out of the hospital with Gabriella.

We could go on and on about all the ways we’ve seen God provide…

There were so many times in the midst of all of this that we would pray, “God we know you can deliver us from this. We also know that there are consequences to our sin of getting ourselves in debt. But God we are tired of living in bondage to all this debt and we want to learn whatever You want us to learn through this time. If You choose to deliver us praise You. If You choose to have us pay this out for the next thirty years praise You. We want Your will.“

I was quite ecstatic a few days ago when someone came to our home a wrote us a check that covers all of credit card debt, pays off our car, and leaves some money for us to finish up some projects around the house that we’ve never had money to do – so that we can get the house ready to sale. Praise be to the Lord, the Great Deliver!!!

As Clay was driving home that afternoon God reminded him that He gave us so much more in His Son, Jesus. As a result of this monetary gift of so much, I am now realizing how unfathomable is the Gift of Christ. How incomprehensible is His Gift!

Our prayer is that God would be glorified in our lives and that we would be surrendered to Him in every area of our lives. Whatever hardships or victories may come our way we want our lives to be the fragrance of Christ.

Refining Through Parenting

I have many stories to tell about the benefits of reading to our kids from God's Word and teaching them scripture. But since I have a short time, I will share what has been on my mind tonight. I can see how God is really using parenting to refine me. We have been memorizing scripture with Micah and having Gabriella listen to them as we do so. We also try and use biblical principles in discipling them. We know that it is very important for them to understand at an early age that when they disobey it is sin. So, as we have really been working on that - especially in the last year, I am beginning to see God using that to make her more aware of sin.

Here is just one example of how God is using my children to refine me. I am sitting at lunch with the girls waiting, and waiting for them to eat. We had a really good morning - but about 15 minutes before lunch time they started having trouble sharing with each other, and Micah started having trouble speaking to me with honor and obeying me. We had several discussions as each incident would arise about her being disobedient and how that was not honoring God because she was disobeying His Word. Through those incidents and then me sitting at the table with them trying to get them to eat, I am beginning to get irritated with them. Then the following conversation occurs.

Micah asks me, "Mommy are you happy?"
I ask her "Do you think Mommy is happy?"
"No."
"Why do you think Mommy is not happy?"
"Because Mommy's not happy."
"Well, Micah Mommy was having a lot of fun with you, but Mommy does not like having to tell you over and over to obey and Mommy does not like it when you disobey."
Micah says, "Mommy, you disobey too."
"Mommy does disobey God sometimes. Do you think Mommy is disobeying God now?"
"Yes."
"How is Mommy disobeying?"
"Mommy is disobeying God because she is screaming at Micah and Gabriella."

Ouch! That was convicting. In my flesh I was really wanting to scream because I was so frustrated with correcting them over and over and discipling them and correcting them....but I was not screaming. However, what Micah picked up on was that I was not speaking in tone of love - but I was speaking in a tone that conveyed my irritation. She called me out on my sin. That is humbling to have a nearly three year old point out sin to you. I asked her if Mommy needed to pray and ask Jesus for forgiveness for being mean to them and not showing them love and also ask Jesus to help me be more patient and loving. She said 'YES.' So, I started to pray and she even prayed "Father forgive Mommy for disobeying and screaming at Gabriella and Micah."

I see such a need in my life for someone to call me out on sin. And in someways, who better than those who are with me ALL the time? They see me at my best when I am letting the Spirit reign and they see me at the worst - when I am letting my flesh reign. She knows that Mommy will always love her even if she points out where Mommy is wrong. So, though some parents may see it as disrespectful for their child to call them out on their sin - I am thankful for her childlike faith and that she is beginning to see that sin is through wrong heart attitudes and not just disobeying a direct command.

Micah's Memory Verse

We have been working on helping Micah to memorize scripture. There are several parts of scriptures with the reference that she has learned through the songs that she learned at CBS. But for the last few months we have been working on teaching her Ephesians 6:1. She is very affectionate about it being her memory verse. I was very excited tonight when I asked her to tell me her memory verse and she immediately said, "Children, obey your parents..." she needed to repeat the rest after me - but it is exciting to see that she is starting to memorize scripture.