Title Change/Walking in the Spirit/Busyness

So I have been wanting to change the tile for some time - but really been trying to figure out what I would like that to be. I've really been thinking about what the Lord's theme is for my life right now. Desperate kind of describes it.

I have been thinking about things in my life like changing diapers, and playing dolls, holding babies, and trying to figure out how to keep the house clean during all that, as well as how to love Clay in the best way, serve Christ, and how to balance my family's happenings and Clay's family's happenings, with social obligations, and to be prayerful, and intentional towards others as well as intentional to raise godly children . . . plus getting dinner, laundry, grocery shopping.....

I have wanted a way to balance. And over and over as I have thought "I just wish I knew how to balance it all," I have felt the Lord saying, "My Word does not tell you to 'balance.' My Word tells you to surrender all for the sake of Christ, to seek first My kingdom and My righteousness, to abandon all, to walk in My Spirit."

And so the more I've thought about this the more I realize that I am royally going to screw it up. No matter what it is - I in my flesh will screw it up.

See I have come to terms with the fact that only the Lord knows what I need to be doing at any given moment. I am endlessly in a state of "What should I do now? Do I play with the kid who is at my feet beckoning me to play a game? Or what about the child who wants me to read their book? Oh but the baby is crying - do I go pick him up? And we have to have food . . . I need to be cooking dinner, oh and the clothes in the dryer just finished, and I have ten thank you notes that I am in the middle of writing, and I feel like God placed so&so on my heart and He wants me to call them, and I feel like He is whispering to me, "Kneel down pray. "

Here is the thing. There are times that the child needs to be picked up/read to/played with because if I don't at that moment, I am crushing their spirit. But there are times that they need to play by themselves or help me with the work because if I give in to all their requests I am over indulging them and making them even more self-centered.

There are times that I really need to call that friend - immediately because they really need words of encouragement at that moment.

There are times that I need to be on my face before the Lord - even if there are kids running around me, screaming and demanding my attention because I need to obey my Father and He may have me praying for someone who is in danger.

And there are times that the one thing I need to be doing is folding clothes or cooking dinner.

But I don't understand how all those times play out - in of myself.

I have to surrender myself to the Lord.

And therefore, I am realizing more and more that I am desperate. I am desperate for the Lord to direct each step.

I am desperate to be walking in the Spirit.

I was telling Clay last night that in the last few weeks, I have really felt as if the Lord is speaking to me, prompting me to pray, weeding out sin, circumcising my heart. I have been praying for Him to open up my eyes and heart - and in my flesh I don't necessarily like it.

It also scares me - because there are so many times that I don't stop and listen to the Lord - but just go on being busy. It happened the other day. The kids were asleep and I said to myself "Lord I know You want me to stop and pray - but God there are five baskets of clothes that I need to fold." And He responded in my heart, "I know you have clothes to fold. But I am calling you to pray. You can pray and let Me deal with sin in your heart or you can choose to disobey - but you might not hear from Me for a long time like you have been hearing from Me if you choose to disobey." Oh that was warning enough - for I don't want my heart to be hardened again.

Just today I was praying and crying to the Lord about a relationship that I have in which wires have been crossed, feelings have been hurt, and sins have been committed & forgiven. And as I was praying and crying to the Lord, "God I know that they were hurt. I am so sorry for that - but I too felt rejected by them being to busy to make time for our friendship." And the Lord gently whispered to me, "I know. I know how you feel. For I feel the same about you. I have asked you to stop and pray & fellowship and you say, 'but God I am too busy. But God I have clothes to wash, mouths to feed, places to go, I am so tired, I need sleep. ' "I have asked you to come to Me for help and you have said, 'but God I have Bible study, but God the baby is crying, but God...I am so busy." I know rejection, for you reject me now though I already paid the price on the cross and was rejected then. I know my child."

My SAM student(wise beyond her years) has said to me several times as we've meet to discuss things of the Lord that she God is teaching her that He gives us relationships on this earth for the purpose of understanding Him and how we are to relate to Him.
He gives us mothers so that we understand the He nurtures.
He gives us fathers so that we can understand He is our Father.
He gives us husbands (and those in authority) so we can learn to submit to Him.
He gives us friends so that we can learn to relate to Him as Friend.
And I am convinced He gives us kids to show us how unholy we are, how much sanctifying we need, and how His heart grieves over our sins, and to give us a picture of the deepness of the love He has for us.

So, with all this rambling I am trying to share that I am trying to keep remembering that I am desperate for the Lord because if I try and do anything in my flesh - I will make an utter mess.